Skip to main content

Chronically Unnormal: 21 and stuck

Chronically Unnormal: 21 and stuck

I’m a ghost, that’s what it’s like I’ve decided. Life changes around me, I’m left standing still. I enjoy being alone and I’m content with my own company. I can solve the world’s problems in my head. I am happy that isn’t a lie but how long can I truly go on like this? I’m lonely I think, I must finally be getting on my own nerves (oh the irony). At the moment I have my studies but I have 2 years left, then what? I don’t know. Stuck that’s the word. I am stuck. It’s like being back in primary school with a blank page in front of me after being told to write a story.

Every time I wasn’t in school I missed something, friends made new friends while others drifted apart, it never made any sense to me but then again I’ve known my two closest friends nearly all my life. When I turned up the first day of college everything was different and I was in so much pain that all my energy was taken up trying to cope with just being there and keeping my happy face on, never mind getting to know new people and catching up others or dealing with someone treating me like dirt. I became quiet which definitely isn’t me. I made the decision to quit collage in a heartbeat, it wasn’t really a decision I just couldn’t carry on, but I was devastated. I felt like I’d failed even though that’s stupid but I’d never given up before. I found the OU very soon after which I’m very thankful for. I love studying biology. This degree is hard work and a struggle most of the time but I don’t know what I would have done without it.

I’ve just had the official that’s it from the health service. There’s nothing left to do - we’ve tried everything and the maybe one day there will be a treatment that will help. They offer me pain management which is funny because didn’t the pain management team tell me there wasn’t anything they could offer? But I’ll go - like I always do to see if they’ve come up with anything new.

I started this story on a much lighter note and I’m cringing about what I’ve written in the last couple of chapters but there was no point writing any of it if I was going to pretend. I really don’t like to moan and even though I’m stuck I don’t want to be anyone else. Past all the pain this ending is true…

Once upon a time there was a girl named Natalie, if anything could be said about her it was that she definitely wasn’t normal and she was happy with that.



I want to say thank you to my mum even though she’ll say there’s nothing to say thank you for. She has always pushed to get me seen by the right people. If it hadn’t been for her I still probably have any clue what’s wrong with me. She’s always there for me. Thank you to my dad for trying (badly) to make me laugh even though he’s a wuss and nearly passed out when I had the injection for the bone scan.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Chroncially Unnormal How things change and stay the same

Chroncially Unnormal How things change and stay the same I’ve been in contestant agony for 10 years now. The pain is worse than it as ever been by a long way these last 3-4 months. Right now I’m more highly medicated then ever but as before though they still don’t touch the pain. I hate to admit but the sound of me screaming has become a quite common recently. Even just writing that sentence is very hard. I always thought I was being honest when I was writing these little blogs but now I realise that I haven’t. I have not made it clear now truly terrible and all-consuming my pain is. I spend my life hiding the pain under the surface or behind closed doors. I understand that the people who care about me wouldn’t like the fact I’m, well, lying to them but when my pain is bad it is frightening and upsetting and I can’t stand upsetting people. With my parents it's different as I obviously can’t hide it from them as I live with them and they’re my carers and even if I ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Chronically Unnormal: This is it

Chronically Unnormal: This is it It all started with a bout of shingles that my doctor failed to treat. I was diagnosed with Scheuermann's Disease after the shingles had faded and I was still in pain. The diagnosis came as a relief as I could understand what was going on with my body. As well as the name I also had a cut-off point, when I stopped growing the pain would subside. This is when I started taking pain medication, I guess it must have helped in the beginning but it seems so long ago…I can’t remember. So I went to school as much as I could. I probably missed at least half of year 9. I was being seen by a spinal surgeon in Manchester to keep an eye on the angle of my curve as surgery was not an option as it would probably make the pain worse. But the pain kept getting worse anyway, I was referred to a children’s pain clinic in Sheffield as this was the closest - over an hour and a half away. I always wanted to thank the doctors there - well all except t...
Post a Comment
Read more